Now What?
Emotions, by themselves, are a challenge, so when you add the pregnancy hormones to heighten their effects, you've got a roller coaster ride that doesn't really have a planned track beneath it. I'm finding that I don't really know what my reaction to anything is...possibly because everything hits all at once...and it feels magnified. I'm frustrated, angry, hurt, and a lot of disappointed...times 10.
A nurse from the birthing center called today to tell me that I risked out because of my history of high blood pressure. In truth, I was expecting that because I knew that that history may make me ineligible to deliver there, but they told me I was accepted and said to schedule my first prenatal appointment. So I did. When they first told me I was accepted, I was under the impression that they had already reviewed the hypertension history and decided that it was within their threshold. Apparently, I was very much mistaken.
It was a tease. They dangled the carrot in front of me and then let me have a sample of it, but when I actually go in to claim the whole carrot, they say, 'no, you can't have it. sorry. here are some of your other carrot options, but they've gotten mixed reviews.' I think that is what pisses me off the most. If they had just told me from the get-go that I could not expect to deliver there, then I would not have thought twice about the decision. But they didn't do that. At my first appointment, they asked questions about my medical history, and instead of hearing the part where I am one of the very few people who actually come off maintenance drugs and stay off of them for more than a year, they focus on the fact that I was on them once upon a time.
I think I am more angry than I realize, and I simply don't know how to deal with that anger and frustration. Are they right to have risked me out? What do I do now? My dislike of hospitals still hasn't changed, but what other options do I have? There isn't exactly another birthing center in the area, so that leaves 'deliver the baby at home' or 'go to a hospital', where they'll probably push for epidurals, episiotomies, or some other kind of medical intervention that I probably don't need.
So, I'm left with "Now what?" I'm 14 weeks and have no idea what my third choice is. The research has to start all over, my records need to get transferred...again, and I just don't want to have to deal with it. I know I have to deal with it, but it's a pain in my ass, and it just flat-out sucks.
In my hospital experience (3 deliveries, 2 hospitals), the staff was willing to work with me however I wanted to proceed. I wanted the epidurals, so I've never been pressured to get them, just reminded about the time limit (once you pass a certain point there just isn't time anymore.) I was induced once so I'm familiar with pitocin (used to speed up contractions) and it was suggested again when I was delivering Ana. I declined, my doctor suggested again, I said I'd rather wait, and that was it. No major pressure, no bad attitudes. As far as episiotomies go, they are not common anymore. There's less damage with just tearing than an episiomtomy, and Dr's know that. There are some techniques you can use and tell the staff you want to use them. They work with you.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to stand, sit, walk, sit in the tub... they say "ok."
If you're worried that you'll get a doctor who's realy pushy you can get a Doula. My sister has had one at each pregnancy (like you she wanted to avoid all unnecessary intervention and not use pain meds.) The Doula is not just a coach or you and the dad, but an advocate for your birth plan and will talk to staff for you.
I would suggest you check out that option. As I believe that if you risked out of one birth center you'll do the safe for any other.
It is possible to have good experiences at a hospital though. Great ones, even.
By the way, when I found out I was pregnant the first time we had wanted to do a birth center, too. When we found out it was twins that wasn't an option anymore, so I get your disappointment. We haven't tried that route again though since our experiences have been good. I don't know that I'll ever not get an epidural. If you get them too early they can slow down labor and fully numb you, leaving a longer recovery. But if you get it later (with Mara I got mine when I was entering transition), you don't have it long and it wears off really fast. I get that it's a bit freaky to have a needle go near your spine, but it really is a routine procedure now. Though there are always other pain management options.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the insight. It does help a little with my unease about a hospital.
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