Week 19 - Blind-sighted and Connections

My last blog post was about being overwhelmed, and so is this one...but there's a bit more resolution here.

This week is/has probably been the most emotional for me...thus far.  I managed to become accustomed to my body changing and increasing girth, but the emotional roller coaster really blind-sighted me this week.  I reached a sort of breaking point this morning.  I had what I consider a complete and total breakdown before leaving for work.  I was sobbing and trying to explain to Dave what was wrong while gasping for air and blowing my nose.  At one point I was so frustrated that I literally stood in the kitchen, covering my face while bawling, and actually stamped my feet on the floor.  Yep.  Total breakdown.

Of course, I couldn’t see myself, but the image I have in my head of that moment (now) is really quite amusing and makes me laugh.  I cannot remember the last time I threw a tantrum where I actually stamped my feet like that.  (Did I ever?)  Through the haze of my memory, I somewhat remember Dave chuckling at my display of frustration, but I can’t be sure if it really happened.  Maybe I’ll ask him.  Heh, maybe.  He was so great through this episode of mine, though.  He just hugged me, rubbed/patted my back, let me cry it out, and told me it’ll be ok and we’ll figure it all out.  Which was exactly what I needed at that moment.  Thanks, honey!  <3

I finally got control of myself and went to work.  I was puffy-eyed and red-nosed when I got there, and probably somewhat morose, but I was at my desk.  I decided that skipping walking at breaks wasn’t good for me, so I meandered around the building (too hot & humid to walk outside) and found myself stopping at the desk of someone who just had her first child about 9 months ago.  This ended up being a great decision because talking to her helped me feel better…about everything.  She isn’t exactly in the same boat as me (expecting), but she had her baby recently enough that all the memories and details are still really fresh and the research she has is still relevant…meaning that her information on car seats and the like are still somewhat applicable to me since we are about to begin our shopping and registering for things.  Anyway, I left her desk feeling less lonely, actually not lonely at all, and quite contented.

After that conversation with my co-worker, the lesson I learned is the importance of connection, more specifically—connections to people.  The last few weeks have been incredibly lonely because I feel as though I have very little in common with all of my closest friends.  My single friends go out frequently (restaurants, bar-hopping, etc.) and I have little to no interest in that anymore.  My married friends with no kids are absorbed in careers and (some) trying to start a family of their own.  My married friends with kids are busy keeping up with their young ones that their time is limited anyway.  Then, I have friends whose kids are “all growed up” and mostly perceive my current situation as a way to reminisce over their personal experiences rather fondly.  (Or at least “rather fondly” is my interpretation of their responses to me.)  Unfortunately, I have no friends who are going through the same thing(s) as me right now, and that is what made me feel so isolated and miserable.  The connection with just one person—even someone who isn’t a “close friend”—was enough to reassure me that I’m not the only one and that I’m not crazy, in way that penetrates my over-emotional preggo brain.  In short, I made a connection.

The other big lesson I’ve learned is that though people tell you that everything will change, “everything” is way too vague a term and doesn’t really give fair warning to the uninitiated.  Those people don’t tell you how they coped with those changes or what “everything” encompasses, and most of them don’t really even remember.  What I hear most frequently is that once you get to hold that baby, all the stuff that happened before is a distant memory and doesn’t matter anymore.  The thing is that I don’t question this one little bit.  I actually look forward to it.  However, it still frustrates me because the reassurance they’re offering is still months away and doesn’t help me with the problems I’m experiencing in the here and now.

That is why I feel quite desperate to find other expecting mothers.  I’ve been trying to find a ‘New Mothers’ group, but of the ones I liked on Meetup, there was only one that I was interested in.  Most of the others involved already having the child.  Well, the one that fit primarily meets on Thursday mornings at 10:00 a.m., which I cannot attend since I work during that time.  I emailed the lady that organizes the group and asked if there are any evening times available.  She said she’d try to post those again, but since they didn’t have a good turn-out, she stopped.  Well, one held on a Tuesday night was finally scheduled, and I signed up immediately.  I hope there are other expecting mothers who can attend so I can meet new people and hopefully make new friends.